Contra Counseling
Price:
$199.99 per Stage
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Do you suck at Contra?
OF COURSE YOU DO! YOUR NAME ISN'T POLLY!
Well, your days of losing countless lives to the Red Falcon's vicious swarm of alien invaders has come to an end.
You'll be trained by an honest to golly Contra expert in any stage of any Contra game of your choosing*!
Soon, you'll be able to impress all your friends with those slick moves and flawless boss fights. You'll be runnin' n' gunnin' with the best of 'em and your mom may actually love you again!
So, what are you waiting for? At this astonishingly low price for professional game counseling, it's a freakin steal!
*Contra games released on the PlayStation console do not count. They are not Contra games. They are diarrhea.
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